Reflections on 2009

This has been an excellent year for me. One of my best ever, I think.

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At some point, about halfway through the year, I suddenly realized that all the clouds had lifted. All the cobwebs had been swept away. Breathing was easy. Smiling and laughing was easy. Enjoying my children and my husband was easy. And enjoying my life, and myself, was easy. It's the first time in about 5 years that I've felt this good, this happy, this free.

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I spent several weeks doing some internal analysis and auditing, trying to figure out what had changed. And I think the answer is, a lot.

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We have a new house. I love our house. I love our neighborhood. I love the thought of growing old there with Roger, of watching the girls grow up and have sleepovers and have hangout sessions in the basement. I love how close we are to absolutely everything, but how we're still nestled away such that it doesn't feel like we're in the middle of a shopping mall. I love that we have neighbors who are friends, and that those neighbors have kids who are our kids' friends. I love that I can take long runs through the neighborhood, even at night, and feel perfectly safe and wave at people throughout the jog. It is home. It is home in a way that I haven't really felt since I still lived with my parents. It is home, and it will be for a long, long time.

*****

We don't have infants anymore. For some parents, this is a thing of sadness, of mourning, of looking back. Not me. I found the infant stage so challenging, so stifling, so claustrophobic. Now, I realize that I can be a parent AND feel a sense of freedom at the same time, which is a revelation. I adore my children, I have loved them since the day they were born. But now, I also enjoy them. I laugh with them. I celebrate their achievements and enjoy every moment of newfound independence. I love that they can play together, without grownup involvement, for longer periods of time. I love that they're developing their own interests and skills and loves and hates. I love that they don't nap anymore, which frees our time on the weekend. I love that it's not a big deal to have a girls' night with my friends, or date night with Roger, or even a weekend away. We don't need to give a mile-long list of instructions to babysitters anymore. And although we still have our moments (sometimes, big ones), I love that they can communicate their thoughts and feelings to us...this has removed a great deal of anxiety out of the parenting equation for me. We can talk to each other.

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It's now been 3 1/2 years since we lost Tricia. I mark the length of time since her death by the length of time of Lainey's life...it's absurd that such a loss and such a gift can come so close together. I still miss her all the time. I still think of her all the time. But now, the pain and sadness have dulled. It's easier to think of her and miss her than it was a year ago. It's easier to live my daily life without her in it. Life has moved on, and it's easier for me to breathe and smile because of it.

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Related to the length of time since we lost Tricia is the fact that I suddenly find myself with a robust and amazing group of friends. It has taken me awhile to really put down roots here, to permit myself to form a social life that has nothing to do with Tricia. But finally, I've done it. I have a healthy list of people who I can call to go get a drink, or come over to play Wii, or vent about a bad day. It makes such a huge difference to my outlook on life. And there are some people in my life here who are not biologically related to us but who are our family in every other sense of the word. You know who you are, and you know that I love you.

And, of course, there's the fact that Sally lives here now. She's been here for over a year, and I can't believe we ever got along with her living in a different state. Ridiculous. She is my sister and one of my best friends and, of course, the coolest person in the whole world as far as the girls are concerned. And Sally has found Jim, who has nestled into our family with an ease that belies the briefness of time we've known him. It's as though he's always been here. The 4 of us have so much fun together, and the girls adore "Jimmy" almost as much as they adore Sassy (but I doubt anyone will ever reach Sassy heights in their eyes, sorry Jimmy).

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I have found new, constructive, healthy ways to spend my time. I run now. I have hated running my whole life, and suddenly, I absolutely love it. I hardly ever run on the treadmill anymore, I prefer to run outside in all but the rainiest weather. I listen to audiobooks, breathe fresh air, sweat, and feel the blood pumping in my veins. I'm training for a half marathon next spring (I've talked Roger, Sally, and Jim into it also!) and can't wait.

I knit now, too. I started knitting earlier this year and am now obsessed with it. I can barely sit and watch TV anymore without feeling bored unless the needles are in my hands. I've made some pretty impressive things, too, if I do say so myself. The girls have pretty scarves, Lucy has a hat, I made Sally a wrap, my parents a table runner, and myself some fun winter hats. Also many dish cloths. :) It gives me fun things to think about and plan for, and having finished products at the end of a project to show off is the icing on the cake.

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And I can't forget the newest additions to our family, Cinder and Momma. On the one hand, it seems silly to include them on this list. On the other hand, it was a big change for our family, and I think it's all been positive. I just love those kitties. I love how they follow me around the house, how they pick up the girls' toys in their mouths and carry them from one spot to another, how Cinder loves to snuggle up in the linen closet with the clean towels, how Momma can always be found in one of her soft kitty beds. I love how the girls love them, and I love how the girls are vastly more comfortable around all animals since they've gotten used to our "fe-lions," as Lucy calls them. Things feel complete now, somehow.

*****

So it's all of those things, and more, and nothing at all. It's just been a wonderful year. I have an amazing husband, partner, and co-parent in Roger. I have two funny, smart, loving daughters. I have a secure job, a healthy family, and the perfect house. I have wonderful friends and family. I guess my hope for 2010 is to continue and even improve upon the greatness of 2009. Life is good, and I hope it stays that way.

A parental brag, because I'm allowed!

Just ignore if this will annoy you. :)

Lucy's parent-teacher conference was today, and her teacher just showered effusive, glowing praise about Lucy. She is a leader. Everyone respects her, and no one messes with her. She is respectful of her friends, follows instructions well, and all her friends love her. As part of the "test" the teachers give to evaluate the kids, they ask each kid to count ask high as they can (separately). Most kids stop at 20. Lucy went to 106. She scored 171 out of 175 on the verbal part of the test, which is stellar for a kid at the end of their kindergarten year, much less one who's not even 5 yet and only halfway through the year! She's reading at a first grade level. She wrote the whole alphabet, upper and lowercase letters next to each other, well spaced horizontally and vertically. Basically, she would be a shining example of a kid who just finished kindergarten. So all in all, she's a total super star!! That's our girl!!

Dinnertime conversation

Lainey: When I was a baby, I swallowed a toilet!

Roger: Really? The whole thing?

Lainey: Yes, really.

Lucy: WHOA.

Lainey: Yeah, I swallowed it down into my belly.

Lucy: Wow, you're like a big, giant toilet person! Giggles.

Lainey: Yeah!

Lucy: But your belly would be so fat!

Lainey: No it wouldn't, I would just push it down.

Lucy: But then your back would be so fat!

Lainey: No it wouldn't, because I would turn into a princess!

Lucy: WHOA!!! But then you'd be a big toilet princess with a big belly!

Lainey: No I wouldn't, my belly wouldn't be big.

Lucy: But how would you get the toilet out?

Lainey: Thinks for a minute. I'd use my crown!

Lucy: Oh, you'd use the crown to get the toilet out?

Lainey: Yes. Crazy monster voice...I WANT MORE PEACHES!

Birthday Party!

We had a super, super fun birthday party for Lainey last weekend at the place where the girls take gymnastics class. It was awesome!! The parents got to sit down, visit, and watch while the kids had TONS of fun playing on all the equipment!! We're doing the same thing for Lucy in January, she's already excited!

Playing in the block pit. This particular scene occurred when Emily got stuck, so Lainey, Katy, and Hannah jumped in to rescue her.

Lainey and Hannah on the balance beam.

Big sis, showing the little ones how it's done.

Don't help me, I can do it myself!

More balance beam fun.

Piper getting on the rope swing, ready to buzz out over the block pit!

Lainey and little Lucy bouncing on the trampoline!

Birthday girl.

Birthday girl's cake.

Lots of help opening presents.

The day after the party, the 4 of us went to Disney on Ice, a combo Christmas/dual birthday present for the girls. It was AWESOME, they LOVED it, and I must admit, I enjoyed it far more than I thought I would! We had great seats, though we learned that we didn't need to buy 4 tix since the girls ended up sitting in our laps the whole time anyway.

Excited for the show to start!

Thanksgiving!

Okay, so I'm a little late with this post, and I didn't even take all that many pictures, but we had a very successful Thanksgiving odyssey this year. We spent two nights with Grammy & Grandpa, one day with my dad's family, and one night with my parents, Sally, and Jim. Lots of traveling and visiting, but the girls did great...life is SO much easier now that they're older!!

Lainey's birthday celebration that occurred on her actual birthday...check out the AWESOME cake that Grankie made for her!!

Happy birthday girl

My new favorite Lainey pic

Playing with dolls, as they do most of the time these days!

Keeping a safe distance from the turkey fryer...man, was that some GOOOOOD turkey that Paco made!! We intend to demand a repeat performance next year...or, possibly, for Christmas dinner!

Swinging at the park down the street from Paco & Grankie's house

Crashing on the final leg home

Ditto.

Well child

Lainey had her 3-year well child checkup this morning, and everything basically looks good. She clocked in at 28.7 pounds (29th percentile) and 36 inches (18th percentile), which isn't bad (for her). Everything else looks good, and the doctor was very impressed with how advanced she is developmentally. We have had some other recurring GI issues this year, though, so she's scheduled for an endoscopy and colonoscopy next week. By my count, it will be her 6th time undergoing anesthesia in her 3 years of life...I don't like it anymore the more we do it! But hopefully we'll get some answers. As always, I'll update when I have more to tell!

Happy Birthday to my Wild Child!!

Oh, my little one, my sweet girl, my free spirit, I can't believe you're three years old. You are as full of spitfire and personality and mischief as ever, and I couldn't possibly love you more than I do.

Sometimes, you get this evil little gleam in your eyes, and we just hold our collective breath and wait to see what you're about to do. It's often genius, sometimes rule-breaking, always entertaining. You scheme and plot and do everything possible to skirt the rules, grab all the attention for yourself, and generally conquer the world. You make everyone laugh wherever you go.

Along with this envelope pushing comes quite a little temper. We have occasional problems with hitting and physical outbursts with you...but we've come to realize that about 85% of the time, your heart isn't really in it, you're just looking to get a rise out of someone or get a little attention. You're easily redirected and move past heartbreak very quickly. You work so hard with me to take deep breaths and calm yourself down when you're in the throes of a tantrum.

And oooh, are you smart. We're predicting a future career as an engineer or architect...something using your incredible mechanical and spatial skills. You are quite the champion at jigsaw puzzles...a few months ago, you put together a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle without any help at all from anyone. These days, you're a little too busy to sit still for that long, but I know that you'd be able to do it again easily if you set your mind to it. You're suddenly really into coloring and art, those seem to be the skills you're focusing on mastering right now (probably because that's what Lucy chooses to do most of the time). You have quite a vocabulary that constantly impresses me, and you hear and notice everything. You take things apart and put them back together, and you're quite the Houdini. Every doll in your immediate vicinity is immediately unclothed, and everything that can be is unscrewed and unlatched and unbuttoned.

But you still do adorable things like lifting your arms up and saying, "I carry you?" when you want to be held. (Not as often as you used to, but it still pops out occasionally.) Or pronouncing your v's as d's, as in, "I'm bery bery frustrated, mommy," or, with one of your favorite books, "no, Dabid, no!" I just love it. You like to be coddled at times and still request to be held and carried at times when you really don't need to be, but we generally indulge you when we can.

You are oh so sweet and caring, very concerned about the people around you. And, of course, your hero is Lucy. What's nice to see, though, is that you're showing a bit more initiative when the two of you play together, and you're not letting her boss you around quite as easily anymore. Often, your collective playtime is directed by you rather than her, which I enjoy seeing. I think that the two of you enjoy each other greatly these days.

You are still a free spirit, and prefer to be naked whenever possible. One of the first things you do when you come home from school is take off your shoes and socks, often followed quickly by pants and shirt as well. You're still hard on your clothes, too, and I've become accustomed to sending you to school wearing clothes with marker, paint, grass, dirt, and other stains that just won't come out no matter how hard I try.

You're officially 100% diaper-free!! You've been out of diapers during the daytime for almost a year now, but have still needed a pull-up at night. But a couple of weeks ago we gave the nighttime underwear a shot and you've done great. Can't say I'm sorry to be a diaperless household once and for all!!

We still struggle with some medical issues, but you're leaps and bounds ahead where you were last year. Weight gain is a struggle, and you're back to having some tummy issues that we're trying to figure out. But overall, you seem to be happy and thriving. Your cheeks are pink, your eyes are bright, your arms and legs are strong and active. You love your gymnastics class and I can see the muscles developing the harder you work...you're constantly in motion and can be a startling whirlwind of activity.

You are a joy to be around. You are loud and raucous and button-pushing and snuggly and smart and loving and busy and funny and just plain wonderful. I can't wait to see what the next year holds for you, my sweet Lainey Lee!!!